I saw a television commercial recently where a plump Mary Lincoln asked Honest Abe "Does this dress make my backside look big?" and he was caught, shuffling uncomfortably for several seconds because he didn't want to lie but he also didn't want to hurt his wife's feelings. In the end he admitted softly, "just a little bit" and Mary huffed out of the room.
I started thinking about whether it's better to be kind or honest -- certainly you don't want to hurt someone's feelings when they ask you about how they look, cook, sing, or even write. Especially a family member -- they're generally around all the time and some of them hold grudges, so you could find yourself always served the grizzle-filled piece of beef at the holidays or getting something in plaid at every birthday. Not that I know this from personal experience. Maybe it's just a coincidence that I have a fear of plaid.
But you shouldn't lie either. It doesn't help when you gush about someone's prowess at whatever they're trying to do or however they're trying to appear if you tell them they're great when they actually could use a little improvement. In the case of singing this is especially important, since telling someone who sounds like a cat on fire that they're the next Pavarotti could get all of the other relatives mad at you. Then suddenly there are only lima beans left for you at family gatherings, where this person insists upon entertaining. I'm just saying.
There needs to be a balance when someone wants feedback. You don't want to be the person lying to avoid the risk you'll hurt them or create a rift between you -- there's a chance someone else may come along and start screaming "Liar, Liar, Pants on fire!" and the next thing you know you'll be standing there in a poof of smoke. The person who wanted feedback will see your duplicity -- and not just because you're pantless and your leg hair's been singed. And you will have cheated them of knowing they could do better, learn, and develop some more. You should never be mean, but you shouldn't fib, either.
And if you are the person asking if your backside's too big, or your recipe's too spicy, or your story's too boring or weird or grammatically indecipherable (you writers know where I'm going with this, don't you...), don't be oversensitive. You opened yourself to the answer; you've put yourself out there and that takes courage and has a value of its own. Revel in that at least. I had a client tell me recently he cursed me most of the way through my edits, but we agreed his was still a great story and we had another drink. We both knew he needed improvement but it was nothing personal -- the goal was to respectfully work toward making something better. And he had the option to take my opinion -- which was only one opinion -- or leave it. No huffing out of the room.
And with that I sign off for 2012. Here's looking toward a new year filled with joy, prosperity, kindness, honesty, and .... well, less lima beans for one thing.
