I was speaking with my colleague Francesca Bousquet the other day. Perhaps you've heard of her: she's an established and respected editor of many genres, a bit of an expert in some areas of the profession at a level I can only hope to someday achieve. The subject of vampires arose.
Chiefly, we agreed that the legendary traits have lately been screwed with. There are some basic traditional characteristics that define what makes a being a vampire, and based upon our vast combined readings of horror, romance, adventure, and historical fiction, here's what we came up with:
1. Vampires are undead, i.e., they are no longer living in the sense that they have a pulse. They do not have beating hearts, and therefore do not have circulatory systems, and are rather pale and cold to the touch.
2. Vampires do not respire; that is, they don't need to breathe.
3. Vampires can move extremely fast, and are superlatively strong.
4. They cannot go out in sunlight, where they tend to make an unsightly mess by turning into ash, sometimes rudely, right in the middle of an otherwise delightful conversation.
5. Vampires must suck blood out of living creatures in order to survive. Sometimes these living creatures are small, such as rabbits. Sometimes they are large, such as cows, or humans.
6. Vampires, when taking blood from their human subjects, incite great lust in their victims. This, since the most powerful vampires are reportedly the ones of great age and the best victims youthfully luscious females, is an example of the ultimate, albeit unfortunately brief, May-December romance. This, also, despite the fact that early stories of vampires did not portray them looking like Brad Pitt, but more like foul-smelling hobos with cracked skin and no-longer-fashionable evening wear. Neither Francesca nor I has ever read of any instance of aroused bovines, by the way, but we did agree that there might be some extraordinary moo-ing, so really, who's to say?
7. Vampires may be killed by a wooden stake to the heart, beheading, sunlight, or having a blessed cross placed upon their person. Once attacked thus, they are utterly vanquished. If you are going to kill a vampire indoors by any of these methods, make sure you have a working vacuum, since once again -- ash. (This week, since the belt has snapped on my month-old Hoover and we're waiting for the replacement part to come via FedEx, I would appreciate it if no one decided to conquer any undead bloodsuckers in my living room. We already have several days' worth of lint built up.)
Disagreement over the validity of some newer versions of these creatures we've both discovered has created a slight professional rift between Francesca and I. Eventually we decided to open it up to discussion, and we agreed I would ask anyone who read, wrote, or mused about the nature of vampires to perhaps reconcile the following:
1. Here's a biggie (no pun intended and we might as well get it out of the way): how do male vampires get erections? We've both read stories of vampires making voracious love during their conquests, creating incomparable ecstasies that keep their increasingly wan female lovers coming back for more (okay, okay, Fran says that pun was definitely intended). But without a beating heart or a circulatory system, how does that work? We've both read stories written by contemporary authors that mention all of the vampires' blood going south, the heat generated within this particular part of the anatomy. Without a functioning circulatory system, heat cannot be generated. And really, especially if the story's set any later in the year than October and any further north than, maybe, Virginia, or Spain, who wants to cuddle up with a block of ice?
2. (and 3.) If vampires don't need to breathe, and they can move quickly and are in possession of superior strength, how come none of the vampire writers out there have put one of them on a fictional Olympic swim team? You could conquer the sports-horror-erotic-romance genre! You could make the whole team up of vampires, and sell a series! Get going! Don't some swim teams have to use community pools before dawn, before they're open to the public? When it's DARK? Really, it's obvious to me -- I just haven't had time to write it. Somebody, I'm doing you a favor...
4. Sunlight? Ash? Really? How does one explain Edward in Twilight? Or the vampire I read about recently who spent his nights making love with his human and his days out solving crime? Francesca knows of one story where the vampire drank a special potion that made his skin immune to the sun's detrimental rays. She wonders if his breath smelled like Coppertone.
5. Blood-sucking -- in addition to draining their living victims dry in order to "live" themselves, some vampire stories now indicate that a young vampire can gain strength by overtaking and draining an older vampire of its blood. Some other stories indicate that this practice can cause the younger vampire to go insane. But once again, if there's no blood in the first place -- because they're dead -- how would this work?
6. Neither Francesca nor I want to think about aroused cows. If you are a writer that's thinking this might be a good subplot, please close down your screen, put down your pen, and stop it right now.
7. Personally I'm a fan of the classic death-dealing methods, but I've read of vampires that were dispatched with poisoned blood, golf clubs, electric shock, Italian food (anaphylactic shock due to a severe garlic allergy), and a vampire snake. I really, at this point, would not want to have to face a vampire and make an uneducated guess as to what would work best. What should I do, should one of these fearful, lust-inciting, soulless entities show up in my house and all I have to defend myself is a spatula or a plunger? Besides get him off my rug before I win?
